This post is an excerpt from my newsletter.
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How I realized that managing everything isn’t enough
“A rising career. A chasm within. Success grows. Meaning fades. I’m climbing. Yet losing myself.”
The longer I work with people under pressure and overload, the more often I notice the same pattern:
The greater the outward success, the greater the inner confusion.
Or as my clients say, “It works. But I don’t.”
Problem
It’s a strange paradox. Someone comes to me who:
has started a company,
conducts scientific research,
or leads a team in a large corporation.
They have results. Recognition too. Everything runs smoothly. And yet they say:
And sometimes, all of this happens at once.
Who I am — and why I’m talking about this
I was that person too. I co-founded a startup. Led a team. Gradually, I became a manager.
On paper, it looked like a fulfilled dream. But inside, I felt tired, numb, and chaotic.
Sometimes, I felt like I wasn’t living my own life.
Cause
I can’t give you the exact cause here. But I can show you how that change looked for me. Maybe you’ll recognize something of your own in it.
My path to change
1. Admit the change
The first step? Stop lying to yourself. Admit that something is wrong. It took me nearly three years.
Three years without a vacation. Working evenings and weekends too.
It wasn’t until people around me started to urging me that I went away for a week. The first days? Complete emptiness. Nothing interested me, I had no energy for anything. Then I weighed myself. +25 kilos. I couldn’t believe it. Bought a new scale. Same result.
2. A detour down the wrong path
I told myself, “The problem is in my body. I’ll lose weight and things will get better.” I lost 20 kilos and exercised daily.
But inside — no relief. Just a different kind of exhaustion.
“Performance is not a cure for emptiness.”
3. Identity: Who am I when I’m doing nothing?
I didn’t know how to rest. It wasn’t about feeling guilty—I didn’t have that. But as soon as I allowed myself to stop, restlessness came. It was so strong it felt physical. Silence was deafening. Free time wasn’t peace, but a space where anxiety and chaos rushed in. To cope, I started resting through performance—sports, adrenaline, constant activity.
It helped for a while. But it didn’t restore my energy—it just kept draining it.
“I was like an engine that needed to shut down. But the key was stuck in the ‘start’ position. I knew I had to slow down. But I didn’t know how to hit the brakes.”
Gradually, I realized that it wasn’t just about rest. It was about identity.
My value had been tied to performance since childhood. And only over time did I begin to understand that true peace would come when I allowed myself to be someone with value even without performance.
I began to repeat to myself:
“Rest is an investment. And my value is not measured by performance, but by whether I live according to what I need.”
4. Boundaries: Reclaiming time and attention
When I started shifting my internal mindset, my external behavior began to change too. I became more aware of my limits. First, I learned to say ‘no.’ Then, I learned not to feel guilty about it. Eventually, I adjusted my calendar and my way of working. I began blocking off time for deep work – for focus, creativity, and the things that truly fulfill me.
But… it didn’t work. ‘I turned off the notifications. But in my head, the bells kept ringing.’
Even though I carved out quiet time, I didn’t know how to experience it. The notifications were off, but the urge to check them stayed. My attention was fractured, my mind scattered, my focus almost gone.
That’s when another layer of the problem revealed itself. It wasn’t just about time anymore. It was about habits. About a nervous system trained for restlessness over years. I’ll dive deeper into that in the next part.
“Success isn’t a win if you lose yourself along the way. You can’t fill inner emptiness with yet another goal.”
What's next?
I’m gradually starting to notice things I used to ignore:
- That sometimes I do pointless things just to escape anxiety.
- That I have to consciously allow myself to just sit and be during the day.
- That every evening, I remind myself of what went well.
Even if it’s “just” the fact that I cooked in peace. All of this helps me live differently. Not necessarily slower — but more mindfully.
It took me years to understand that a space where nothing disturbs me does not arise on its own.
I have to create it. I have to consciously protect my time and mind from what today’s world constantly demands.
I will talk about specific practices that help me – techniques, habits, small steps – in other texts and videos.
But for now, just one thing: “Regeneration does not start by itself. But you can start at any time.”
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Disclaimer
This text is not a substitute for professional help. I do not deny the existence of depression, anxiety, burnout or other psychological problems.
If you suspect that any of these apply to you, please contact a professional. This text is intended as inspiration — for people who are on the edge, living in a way that is a slow path to exhaustion, and perhaps just need a different perspective or tools than those offered by Google or the people around them.
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